Well, I guess this post is more of a plea for advice than anything. I've been having the hardest week with Gideon. He turned two in December, so I know part of this is developmental but I am feeling at such a loss over how to handle it. He is much more opinionated than Jasper and when he gets an idea in his head he does not let it go.
Everyday there have been 10+ tantrums or meltdowns. Here's a glimpse at some of the scenarios- He has a coat with a removable hood. I took it off the other day because he wanted to wear his snow hat and I figured if I took the hood off he'd feel less bulkiness around his neck while in his car seat (which he's has a meltdown about in the past). We are leaving the library. He completely FLIPS out because there in no hood on his coat. He's trying, in the midst of screaming and crying, to pull his zipped up coat over his head where his hood should be. I try to pick him up about four times and he does that thing with his body where it's practically impossible to pick him up because he is limp and slippery. Finally I get him in my arms and he's kicking me and hitting me really hard and screaming and flipping himself upside. I almost drop him on his head two times. Jasper is on his bike and riding far ahead and I'm totally worried he's going to get run over or something. We finally make it to the car with everyone alive which I'm thankful for but with a very upset mom and 2 year old.
Another scenario- Gideon is very, very particular his clothes (gosh, all of a sudden it just dawned on me that his tantrums are most often about clothing.... hummmm). So the other day we are trying to get dressed and out the door. Before we leave, Gideon has me change his clothes 8 times. I am not kidding. 8 times! He wants to put on this shirt, and then changes his mind and wants a different shirt, and then changes his mind again, and so on. And then I'll get him all dressed and he's happy but then he sees what Jasper put on and it starts all over again! I try and reason with him each time but he flips out! I don't know what to think. It makes me laugh while I'm writing this, but I feel like I'm going to go insane most mornings.
The other element of this equation is nursing. I am still nursing Gideon but it has been hurting really bad lately (he had a cold last week and I think he was sucking harder than usual). I've had to tell him a few times lately that "I can't nurse you because it hurts mommy". He throws major fits over that too. Crying and screaming and hitting me.
I need some ideas. I need to know how to handle this so I don't end up feeling frustrated with him. I love this kid. He is so, so, so much fun when he's not flipping out. He's funny. He makes me laugh everyday, but I'm not very good at dealing with tantrums and meltdowns especially in public. It's embarrassing.
7 comments:
All I can tell you is what worked for me: a book called BEYOND TIME OUT.
I'd be happy to talk more with you about it tonight.
Shawn
I have had some similar challenges with Sawyer. One thing I have learned to do is "frame" some of his behavior differently (I work on these things every day, by the way - ) so instead of thinking to myself (or out loud) "my child is so stubborn!", for example, I re-frame and say "wow, my child is clever and very determined!" It's the whole seeing the strength vs. weakness. The challenge, for me, how how to reign in on it all and truly turn it into a strength that works in our favor rather than one that results in a tantrum or meltdown.
The one thing that has helped a lot lately...I got one of those old-fashioned little kitchen timers. It is novel and not the same as the timer on the stove, so if, for example, I ask Sawyer to take a potty break - and he says no - I say "okay, I am going to set our timer and when you hear the bell that means it's time for a potty break". It is a relief, because then it is me asking, but the timer seems to be enforcing. Does that make sense? Or - okay, you can pick out your clothes and get dressed yourself, but let's race with the timer - when it goes off it means we need to be ready to go. And so far, it has worked! I think also it's just a tricky age because they want to be so independent, but still need help and limits for safety's sake.
Good luck, Sara, I know you are doing a terrific job! When it comes to parenting, we are all just doing our best ;)
That age is so tough. I remember how "opinionated" Kate could be then and thinking that I'd be glad if she was so strong-willed when she was a teenager. (My hope is that she'd be less likely to fall for negative peer pressure. One can hope, right?!)
Try to remain patient. You're doing a fantastic job!
Oh Sara, this is Grace...the terrible twos (it has been like this the entire year) and VERY particular about her clothes!! I guess patience is a virtue, it's hard to reason with a 2 year old. Grace is almost three and it's getting easier. The clothes issue I will let her choose between two outfits and if she throws a fit I just leave the room until she's calm. This has been a huge issue with her, the way the clothes and shoes 'feel' or 'fit' it's very aggravating at times. Hang in there, this is a hard age (in my opinion :)
Hi Sara! Did you know I read your blog? hahahahaha! My thoughts on this is that you're in a power struggle. All these kiddos seem to want is some control/power over their lives and they take all the power they can get! But it takes two to tango. So if you remove the emotions out of your interactions with him, when he's in that particularly lovely mood, and make it clear what your expectations are and what the consequences will be, and then always follow through, I think you'll see some improvements. However when they are hungry or tired or sick, it doesn't always work! Parenting is so humbling!! Errrrgggg!
These kids I tell you :-)! Addie definitely has more of that personality than Ella and still leaves me at a loss of what to do sometimes. I try not to engage with her when she is acting like that, which of course is much easier at home than when you are out and about. The thing I am constantly trying to do is not give them what they want when they throw a fit, even if I know it will make them stop because I am so paranoid that they will think if they act like it works and then will act that way more often. I think the idea of giving him 2 options for clothing is a good idea. With Addie I often ask her if she wants to wear a skirt or pants and then I choose from there, but if you don't care what he picks initially, I would just start making it a point that whatever he picks is his outfit for the day and we are not changing. From 2-4 I think kids are constantly testing their boundaries and the more consistent we are the better. Just this evening Addie kept crying to me because she needed more pink sidewalk chalk to finish her picture and there was nothing I could do about it. You're an amazing mother, hang in there!
Oh gosh Sara, this post sounds like Johnny - and he is almost 4!!! But he too loves to change his clothes multiple times a day. Tonight while I was folding laundry, I noticed Johnny had 3-4 times the amount of clothes Jimmy did because he changes his clothes so much. I have just kind of thought, "well, at least he's getting good practice dressing himself"- and he is, he is really good at doing things like buttons and other tasks- even as good as Jimmy, because he gets so much practice. But then again, it does get on my nerves sometimes when he sees what Jimmy is wearing as we are going out the door and decides he wants to change. Jimmy also sometimes gets annoyed that Johnny always has to be wearing the same outfit or at least colors as him. It is pretty funny.
I don't have really any advice, just that I completely understand. I liked what Cailean said about removing your emotions from the heat of the moment. Meta recommended to me "123 magic", I think Sara Sherry had recommended it to her, and I REALLY like that book a lot. It talks about that same idea of as a parent not getting emotional during the tantrums. I really recommend it. I think Lisa has my copy right now- maybe you could snag it from her?
Good luck with this. And let me know what works as I could use some advice too!
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