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I am trying to come to grips with some issues of fear I have from Jasper's birth. I've been really emotional lately whenever I think about my previous labor and how this one is going to go. For a long time I felt sad because things hadn't gone as I had "planned". This sounds crazy but I felt like I had failed myself and Jasper in some way. It took me a few months but I came to the realization that it didn't really matter. It really doesn't. Jasper is alive and healthy. I am alive and healthy. We are happy. God loves me and is happy with me as a mother. I am blessed that I even had/have the opportunity to bring a baby into the world. Giving birth is amazing. I know these things deep in my heart but when I think about how incredibly long and painful the labor experience was for me, I feel sick and scared and fearful. Everyone keeps telling me this time with be better and I am praying everyday that this will be the case but the one thing I have learned more than anything is that there are no absolutes when it comes to labor. You prepare yourself to the best of your ability and the rest is out of your control. You have to let go of what you want and what you think should happen and turn yourself over to the whole experience. This is the most primal experience that humans endure and it is in labor that a women's deepest, most physical instincts take over. I did all that I could do when I labored with Jasper. My phsical body had absolutely nothing left, at one point. I felt like I was walking through the valley of death and I felt as though I was on the edge of walking through the veil that leads to the other side. This is what I am scared of. I have fear that this labor will be as difficult and I afraid that I won't be able to do it. My body is seasoned, though, and experience makes one stronger and wise. So wish me luck and say a prayer for me in the next few weeks!
Here's a few more shots of us crazies at the park:
15 comments:
You are crazy!You always were! :) Climbing the fence when you are so close to your due...
Don't be afraid! God loves you and your child. You know that fears are material. I was afraid of C section but I never told it to anyone even to myself and got it in the end... I really shocked and too much down for a long time after it. But then I realised that it's a miracle that my daughter is alive and healthy and me too!
You'll do the best! Both of you! Praying for you, sister!
Sara,
We are praying and thinking about you. You have so much strength. I loved your email and the little thoughts about Mary.
Sara,
Your belly is SO cute :-)! You are all baby that is for sure! I can't wait to see what this little guy looks like (and find out his name too)!
You'll get through this labor, don't worry. You never know what to expect with any labor and I think that is what makes it scary, but no matter how your baby arrives, the important thing is that he gets here safely, the rest doesn't matter.
I have a friend in the ward here that I knew in Students for Intn'l Devlpmnt at BYU and she had twins in the spring but had to have them via C-section. When I was talking to her a few weeks after the delivery she totally broke down about not being able to have them naturally and the fact that her babies were having a hard time nursing. She felt like she wasn't as strong as the women she loved so much in Mexico because they would have had to find away to do it without the things we have here. I just reminded her that her babies would not be here and healthy had she been one of those women and that is what counts (they had some help getting pregnant).
As much as I know it is so important to many women to do this naturally, modern medicine is here to help us and it doesn't make us less of women to accept it when it is needed.
You are amazing and no matter what may arise during this labor you'll do it and have another beautiful baby to love in the end! And you never know, it may go exactly as planned this time :-).
I'll be thinking of you and praying for you! Keep us posted :-)!
Love you,
Marci
Sara, I'm right there with you. I know you can do it. I'm pretty terrified myself. Ask Rob for a blessing beforehand; it will give you peace. Know you're loved!
I know this time will be better for you Sara dear. He will pop right out, wearing a little bow tie and say, "I'm here!"
It's such an emotional time for so many reasons. You'll do well- maybe you can also use your last experience to help you make decisions this time if needed. Delivery could go faster but if it doesn't allow yourself to you can help your body with medicine so that you can have a better feeling about this birth.
You look wonderful by the way. Thanks for posting pictures. I love a prego belly!
Sara Jean, i miss you! as i read this post i thought about rock climbing with you in provo. you always pushed yourself past what i expected you to do and i was always amazed by your strength and ability to reach past was seemed physically possible. and you have still got it! that ability is an innate part of you and i know you bring it to labor too. you got it in the bag besides you have the best doula rob can be! love you
Sara,
I think it will be easier for you this time. I've been thinking of you and am wishing you peace as you embark on this amazing journey of giving birth. Remember, healthy baby and healthy mother are the most important things. We'll be keeping our thoughts with you! We're so excited for you and your family and can't wait to meet Jasper's little brother!
Let's just start with - you don't know me. :)
But I live in Corvallis and I know your family, and the Sherry's, and . . . ETC.
Thanks to a little "blog joggin'" I've checked out your blog a few times and this post touched a cord with me because I know EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE.
I have 4 kids. I have given birth to all of them without so much as a Tylenol. My first labor was rough. It went on forever and by the time I'd felt the ring of fire, I knew that I'd had a brush with death and I also felt as though I had failed miserably. For months afterwards I'd be awake at 2 a.m nursing my boy and would break into tears - "It hurt soooo bad" I would sob to my husband. Post traumatic stress to be sure.
So with the impending birth of my second, I was scared. (The first time is scary because you're not sure what to expect, and the second time is scary because you know exactly what to expect!)
As it turns out, my 2nd child came quickly -- labor was fast! From the first hint of labor starting to actually having her in my arms was exactly 2 hours and 1 minute. It was insanely intense, and soooo fast (we were at the hospital for only 20 minutes) and the only way to describe it is "violent". BUT, it was so fast that I didn't have time to become completely emotionally and physically exhausted. All in all, though still terribly difficult -- it was easier.
Then I had a third - and that labor had it's own set of complications. And just 5 months ago I had my fourth. And you know what? This last time was really a wonderful experience. Truly. I almost enjoyed it :) By the fourth time around I was "in control" -- I knew exactly what was going on, exactly what my body was doing, exactly what was coming next, and exactly where I still had to go physically and emotionally. It was as though the whole process had become "normal". It was almost surreal.
Nothing much changed from the first time, but having now experienced it 4 times, it was as though that whole experience had become part of my repertoire.
The first time is the worst. I promise. IT WILL BE BETTER THIS TIME AROUND - perhaps still very difficult, but better. Each time it gets easier, not because the nature of the task has changed, but because you have.
Labor is such a remarkable thing. You will be brilliant.
P.S. -- You should read what I wrote when I was approaching labor with my 4th child -- you can find it here: http://corvallisbarlows.blogspot.com/2008/04/labor.html
Oh and p.s - I meant to also say that there is NO SHAME in using the drugs. If you need them, that's why they're there.
But you know that :)
Sara you look SO cute! Hang in there! Let your faith smother your fears...all will be well :) We will say a little prayer for you! And hope to see you Friday night at Carkeek for the Christmas Ships! If you would like to borrow my hypnobirthing/relaxation CDs I can totally bring them by sometime...
ps-you are one of the greatest moms out there! Jasper (& Rob) are such lucky guys - as will be the new tiny babe!
PS - I was lucky in labor...still...I think there is so much focus on the pain of it all in our culture, it is nice to hear a "good" positive story now and then. Feel free to read mine & Sawyer's:
http://tyshaandjacob.blogspot.com/2008/06/sawyers-birth-day-story.html
:)
Sara,
I will be thinking of you and praying for you. You are strong, smart, and brave. You will know what to do when this labor begins and your body will know what to do too. I know it is easier said than done, but try your best to just relax and not let the fear of it all overwhelm you. I know the spirit will guide you and comfort you. Trust yourself but don't be afraid to ask for help - from Rob, from the doctors, from Heavenly Father. Epidural or not, C-section or vaginal, none of it matters in the end as long as you and that baby are healthy and happy. You can do it, and you will be great. I can't wait to see that beautiful babe!
Funny that the teather ball seems to be both connected to the pole and hidden in your shirt. Such an interesting phenomenon. I think they call that magic.
You are one amazing mama, Sara! And just beautiful too. Your labor will happen exactly how it will happen, but mental preparation is not in vain. All feelings are important and valid, and sharing your fears is so important. So many women can identify with how you are feeling. I am sending many hugs to you!!!
Love,
Amy
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