My testimony

I've been wanting to write a post on my beliefs for a long time. I've had some very neat experiences lately that have given me a chance to deeply reflect inwardly on who I am and what I belief. 

About seven months ago, I was asked to share my conversion story in relief society (which is one of my church meetings where all the women get together and learn from one another). I really enjoyed taking some time to think about when and how I was converted to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Here is what I shared with the women of my congregation:

Personal Conversion StoryWritten November 2012
I was born and raised in the church to a convert mother and a life-long member father. I was number five of seven children. My parents were very active and we went to church every week. My parents incorporated gospel principles into everyday life. My home was full of laughter and love. As a child, I developed a deep respect for the gospel. I have memories as a child, around the time of my baptism, yearning to have my OWN testimony, wanting to know for myself that the gospel was true. Step by small step, the spirit manifested to me that specific gospel principles were true and right. But it wasn’t until early teenage years that I felt I was truly converted. Growing up in Oregon, I was surrounded by non-lds friends, who were good, smart, wonderful influences in my life and I still hold very dear to my heart. My mother felt it would be good for me to go to EFY(a mormon teen "camp") in the summer to give me the opportunity to connect with lds teens. So I went to EFY four times and loved it! It was at EFY that my testimony really blossomed. I had experiences where the spirit touched me so strongly and deeply that there was no doubt that a specific gospel principle was true.
It was my later teenage years and college years that brought many questions and some confusion about where I, personally, could fit in with the culture of the church. Questions about women’s roles in the church, men’s roles in the church, women’s history in the church, african americans and the church and priesthood, the role of the priesthood, polygamy, political views vs. the culture of the church and where I stood, to name a few. I never left the church or became inactive, but I had real questions that tested my testimony. It wasn’t easy to work through these issues and at times I felt angry and confused. I have a blessed mother who shared with me articles, books, and publications that helped me get to the root of some of these issues, and also helped me see that I wasn’t alone. I also have an incredible father who always set an unparalleled example of a worthy, righteous priesthood holder. It was through personal prayer, personal reflection, pondering, and reading the scriptures and other wonderful books that helped me ultimately navigate through my questions. It took ALOT of work on my part, though. At times I thought about giving up. I believe that desire to find answers was due to my earlier years, when I had felt my testimony blossom and grow. I realized that to be true to myself, I couldn’t give up in my search for understanding. It took much dedication, but I found a place where I felt peace and joy about the gospel. I now have the tools I need to help me navigate the questions that pop up along the way. So my conversion story is always changing and growing. I imagine it will be this way for the rest of my life, but as I search and learn, my testimony continues to deepen.
I love the gospel. I know it’s true. I know the Book of Mormon is true, i know Joseph Smith restored the church, I know that Jesus Christ came to earth and submitted to his father’s will and is our intercession, our Savior, our one true hope for returning to live with our Father in Heaven, I know the temple is our father’s earthly vessel where we make covenants and promises, where we can be sealed to our families. I know we have a living prophet to guide us and lead us, and I know that I, along with each and every child of god, in entitled to personal revelation and direction through the Holy Ghost one of the most precious gifts we are given.

My other neat experience was that I was asked to speak a month ago in Sacrament meeting (my church meeting where everyone from the entire congregation meets together and we take the sacrament and also a few people are asked to give a talk). I was asked to speak on what I learned from general conference (the semi-annual tv broadcast from Salt Lake City where our prophet and apostles and other church leaders speak to us). So, this is my talk from that:

Good morning sisters and brothers.

I was asked to speak on my thoughts and feelings about conference and the blessing of having a prophet to guide and direct us today. I love conference. It’s my favorite two weekends of the year, partially for selfish reasons- I love that we get to have church from home and eat cinnamon rolls on Sunday morning, which is my family’s tradition. But even more so, I love listening to the testimonies of our latter-day prophet, apostles and church leaders. I always come away from conference feeling like my spiritual well has been filled. Conference also centers me. Listening to the messages helps bring into focus the things that are most important in my life- that my Heavenly Father loves me, that I have a testimony of the Savior Jesus Christ, and how blessed and grateful I am for my family.

 

I’ve never had the opportunity to speak in sacrament meeting the week following conference. I usually don’t have the personal motivation to re-watch all 4 sessions right as soon as conference is over, but knowing that I was speaking inspired me to do so. I wish I could do this every six months! I had a very enlightened week!
 The resounding theme of conference for me was simple and basic: I am a child of God. I am a daughter of God. My role as a mother and procreator of life is not insignificant. It is not by happen chance that I am here on earth. There is an earthly plan. There is an eternal plan. God knows me and loves me and understands my concerns, questions, struggles and it is through the gospel that I can find peace and gain greater knowledge. 

I don’t know if it is kosher to say that I had a favorite talk, but I sure loved Elder Holland’s. He seems to speak right to my soul.
 He spoke on believing in the Christ and nurturing our faith. He told us that we need to hold onto the faith and knowledge that we do have, and not get hung up on how or what we are lacking. We must stand strong until additional light and knowledge comes to us.
 I often cast judgment and criticism on myself, thinking about where I am lacking spiritually, what more I could and should be doing to live more righteously.
 I few weeks ago Victoria Brady, from our ward, made a comment in relief society that I just loved. She said that our spiritual journey on earth is kind of like school- we aren’t all in the same grade. We are all in different grade levels. I loved this. Imagine what the world would be like if we were all in spiritual 1^st grade together. We are all at different place in our journey and that is what makes the gospel so special.
 Elder Holland said “I am asking you to be true to the faith that you do have. Sometimes we act as if an honest declaration of doubt is a higher manifestation of moral courage than is an honest declaration of faith. It is not! “ So rather than focus on where our faith or testimony is lacking, we must look at what we have and where we are trying to go.
 In Matthew 17:20 the Lord said “verily I say unto you, if you have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place, and it shall remove and nothing shall be impossible unto you”.
What a beautiful passage of scripture! To think that it’s not important how much faith we have, what matters is the integrity we demonstrate toward the faith that we do have. That’s all the Lord really wants of us.   I also very much enjoyed Elder Ballard’s talk. He spoke about our roles as man and women in Heavenly Father’s plan. He said “In our Heavenly Father’s great priesthood-endowed plan, men have the unique responsibility to administer the priesthood, but they are not the priesthood. Men and women have different but equally valued roles.” “Just as a woman cannot conceive a child without a man, so a man cannot fully exercise the power of the priesthood to establish an eternal family without a woman. In other words, in the eternal perspective, both the procreative power and the priesthood power are shared by husband and wife. And as husband and wife, a man and a woman should strive to follow our Heavenly Father. The Christian virtues of love, humility, and patience should be their focus as they seek the blessings of the priesthood in their lives and for their family.” I believe in this gospel with all my heart. But as a woman, I have for many years questioned my place as a female in the church. I have a tendency to get hung up on these concerns and find myself getting caught up in discussions that surround the issue. Not negative discussions, for the most part wonderful, interesting discussions. But I can get lost in it all and lose sight of what my Heavenly Father sees me as. He sees me as a creator of life, a mother, a daughter who he loves, with a unique a equally important role to him as that of my husband’s. We could not be one with out the other. We are all his children. He loves us all. How could he not love us equally? After becoming a mother, I know and understand this. He loves his daughters as much as he loves his sons.
 I feel very blessed to have married such an incredible, loving, humble man who discusses these concerns with me. We talk openly and frankly about my questions. What a blessing Rob is in my life.  I can’t imagine searching and learning to understand the mysteries of God with a better person.
Elder Holland also spoke about how to go about searching for answers to our questions. He said “when doubt or difficulty come, do not be afraid to ask for help.  The scriptures phrase such earnest desire as being of “real intent,” pursued “with full purpose of heart, acting no hypocrisy and no deception before God.”11  “Honestly acknowledge your questions and your concerns, but first and forever fan the flame of your faith, because all things are possible to them that believe.
 This talk by Elder Holland helped me reflect inwardly about the order of the steps in which we seek for knowledge. Fan the flame of our faith first, then be candid and open about our questions and purse with full purpose of heart. Ask with no deception before God, with pure intent. My heavenly father loves me. My role as a mother is not insignificant or of less value or importance to him than my husband’s role as a father and priesthood holder.
 Elder Ballard told a story about a little girl and her tomato plant. This little girl was so excited to think that from one tiny seed would come tomatoes which would have seeds and those seeds could be planted and grow into more tomato plants which would produce fruit and in a few seasons millions of tomatoes could come from just that one tiny seed.  In the story, the girl put her tomato plant in a dark corner and forgot to water it. She found the plant on its last leg, wilted, and flopped over. She thought she’d killed it! But with a little sunlight and water, the plant perked back up and produced fruit.  We are like that tomato plant. We have divine and infinite potential. Our Heavenly Father is rooting for us. He wants so badly to see us become what he knows we can become. If we are not careful, though, we can drift away from the true doctrine of the gospel and become wilted and undernourished. On the other hand, when we stay close to our Savior and keep working on strengthening our faith, we will eventually grow and develop into what our Heavenly Father knows we can become.
 I’ve had this article of faith stuck in my head all week-
We believe all that God has revealved, all that he does now reveal, and we believe that he will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God.
 Wow! We are so lucky to be a part of this church. A church in which the heavens are open and we have a prophet who speaks to God! What a loving, thoughtful, inspired prophet we have on the earth. Thomas S. Monson  closed the conference by admonishing us to be good citizens and good neighbors in our communities. He asked us to reach out to those of other faiths as well as our own, and to be tolerant, kind, and loving to those who do not share our beliefs and standards.

This is the message the Savior brought to earth- a message of love and goodwill to all men and women.
Our prophet as asked us to be aware of the needs around us. He said “May we ever be ready to extend a helping hand and a loving heart.” We live in a time of confusion and distractions. It’s hard to stay focused on what really matters. I have a testimony that we have a prophet here on earth that speaks to God. I believe that when we listen to his words, we will find peace, joy, and answers to our deepest questions. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen. 

So, there you have it. That is what I believe in a spiritual nutshell. My testimony is always changing and taking on new focuses and dimensions. At this stage of life, these are the things that I am clinging to and working to understand. 

I was listening to "The Fiddler on the Roof" soundtrack the other day. I seriously love this musical. I was listening to the song "Tradition" and it hit me how important tradition is. Sometimes things need to change and in some areas the church needs to grow with the changing times. But on the other hand, there is definitely something to be said for the importance of tradition within a society, religion, and/or culture. Tradition is what ties one generation to the next and to the next and so forth. I think globalization and industrialization exacerbate the loss of tradition. It is tradition that sets one culture apart from the next. Without it we lose the beauty of the diversity of mankind. I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though the culture of mormonism is peculiar and a bit old fashioned in some respects, it is part of the tradition of my forefathers and foregrandmothers and I'm not ashamed of it. I respect and love and am forever indebted to them for their sacrifices and making it possible for me to be who I am today.